9:25 AM
Monday, February 23, 2009
I don’t know where to begin.
How does someone ever start expressing about how they felt about dying?
After I got home, I felt as though another person came over me and wanted to jump off the balcony. I tried not to think about it but my mind was fighting my rational thinking. My hands wanted to hold on to the couch but my feet wanted to walk up to the balcony. It’s not the fact that I even thought about suicide, it’s the fact that I wasn’t afraid to die.
I was franticly calling everyone that lived close to me to ask if they wanted to sleep over or go out for coffee. I must’ve called Ed a dozen times and he didn’t pick the phone. I’m completely furious with him because he’d be one of the few guys that I can trust and ... ya!
Anyhow, I managed to get a hold of MH and hauled him out of his house. He was probably ready for bed or watching Smallville but he was nice enough to accompany me.
I drove all over Mississauga and Etobicoke just to get my mind of things... my emotions were still running high and I was spacing out half the time. I felt so overloaded and I was going to have a meltdown. MH and I sat in the car for a about half an hour at Humber Beach. The skyline of Toronto just left me breathless. I didn’t realize that I haven’t taken any time to relax and just enjoy the wonders.
We drove back and my intention was just to drop him off. In the pit of my stomach, I was having a sudden pang of worry. I can see my condo and how depressing it was to see it empty and... I was empty.
I drove home and the same anxiety came over me. I was afraid like a 5 year old that wanted to hide under a bed sheet. I feel really bad that I had to go back to MH’s house. At the time, it felt like I had no other choice...
Toronto Skyline
